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After nearly a week sorting through old photos, something unexpected happened.  As I pilfered through a stack of paper memories, a shy smile crept across my face.  Nostalgic and a little embarrassed, I remembered a high school crush with fondness.  Logan’s young face looked up at me and I remembered our many laughs, a bouquet of thoughtful flowers, and a few awkward moments (the latter a common thread woven throughout most of my high school experiences).

What was so unexpected was this: I discovered that still, to this day, I have a slight crush on this young man.  Ha!  My feelings now, of course, are those of mere attraction and memory but I found myself wondering, Why does he remain so attractive to me? We have grown quite distant over the years, it would be a stretch to say that we are still friends.  Sure, by cultural standards, he was and is good-looking but there are plenty of people pleasing to the eye.   The question lingers, what is so attractive about this one?

I thought about it much and came to a surprising revelation.  Bear with me.

Logan seemed to see me, or something in me, that people of his social status did not typically see.  Logan was mostly popular, handsome, from a well-to-do family, and had a personality that would bring a smile to the face of charmed teachers and young ladies alike.  I, on the other hand, was not completely outcast but certainly stood a fair distance from the in-crowd, my appearance was mostly plain, often a bit odd (just the way I liked it), and I came from a ‘broken’ home, poor by most American standards.  Yet… he wanted me, pursued me.  It wasn’t that no one ever had, but no one from his ‘class,’ so to speak, ever wanted me enough to pursue me, to want for my attention.

And, here, the revelation.

That, is like God.  Who am I that He should want me?!  Completely and most absolutely unworthy am I but still He pursues me.  I am in disbelief that He should desire me.  Perhaps that is why, no matter how distant I may grow from Him at times, I cannot help but admire and adore Him.  I cannot help but smile at the thought of His smile.  He wants me.  He pursues me.  He is jealous for me.  Me!

My attraction to Logan was an attraction to his unmerited pursuit of me.  I now know, of course, that I am worthy of the affection of an upstanding hottie such as he.  I also know, however, that I will never be worthy of pursuit by the Creator of the Universe and that He, unchanging and ever-loving, will want for me until my last breath.

What more can I say?

Grace and peace to you from God the Father.  May you always be reminded of His pursuit of you and may His desire for you always bring a smile to your face.

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Seasons Do Not Change Overnight

Grace and peace from God, our Father, to you and to me, too.

The last five months have been full or surprises and changes for me.  After two months in Washington, DC, I moved back to Washington State.  (A long story which involves a lot of children who I will never forget, incredibly poor administration who I hate to remember, and a great city attached to fond memories.  Two glimpses of said story can be seen in I’ma Steal You and Enough, I Think….)  A few weeks after moving, I found a teaching job and I have been teaching fourth grade at a growing school in Renton.  I quickly bought a car (which has been a growing pain), found a housemate (who happened to room with one of my former roommates), moved into an apartment in Bellevue (which is one of the last places I want to live), and hit the ground running.  Again.  Crazy, but I suppose I’d rather be running than sitting still.

This season has indeed been trying, exhausting, at times frustrating, and very, very humbling.  Admittedly, I have been anxious for the next season to start.  I have to remember, though, that seasons do not change overnight.  Like winter giving way to spring – snow and ice melt slowly, the banks of nearby rivers are overtaken by its bitter-cold water, hesitant buds begin to push through the frigid ground.  It doesn’t really even feel like a new season until, sure enough, those buds burst into fragrant blossoms.  So it will happen for me….

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